Dear Journal,
Today, I had sex with my beautiful girlfriend. I looked into her eyes... well... I couldn't really see them with the 20 pounds of makeup she puts on, and I stroked her chlorine green hair, and I thought to myself, WOW I must be really lucky. And then, I looked down. OHH NOO! She's got a gut on her. I think I might have gotten her pregnant. QUICK! GRAB THE COAT HANGER!!!